Chapter 038
When Sioden entered the room, I gestured for Apple to leave. Apple, ever perceptive about me, silently retreated to the next room without a word, though she cast a worried glance back.
I wanted to be with Apple, but it was better not to have her around when Sioden was present. If a conflict arose between them, it was obvious who would suffer.
Sioden sat on the chair beside the bed and asked,
“How is your body?”
“Fine.”
Sioden wasn’t in formal attire today. He was neatly dressed in fine clothes, but he didn’t seem to have just come from a meeting. When Sioden returned from meetings, he always carried a chill about him.
Unconsciously observing his demeanor, I realized his face was sharper than before. He had been away for a long time recently, so his travels must have been arduous.
As the silence became uncomfortable and even burdensome, Sioden spoke.
“I came to tell you something.”
It’s finally here.
That was my first thought.
We had spent years recognizing each other’s bad omens. It was impossible to think he would bring me good news.
But what came from Sioden’s mouth was completely outside the realm of my predictions.
“First, the reason I was away from the castle was because of a rebellion. I apologize for not informing you beforehand.”
“Yes…?”
I involuntarily questioned him, doubting my ears.
“Rebellion… do you mean the imperial power was overthrown?”
That was the dictionary definition of a rebellion, as far as I knew.
Sioden summarized his answer to my question in one sentence.
“Beatrice I has ascended the throne.”
Beatrice was the princess’s name. Even on the day I left the capital, she hadn’t left the palace, so apparently, many things had happened in the intervening years.
Of course, if the princess hadn’t ascended the throne, there wouldn’t have been a rebellion. Aiden had been the crown prince since childhood and was certain of his succession.
…and he had a good relationship with his father.
After the Emperor personally arranged my marriage to Sioden, he gave Aiden a way to escape into romance and fantasy.
I couldn’t forget the image of Aiden, acting emotionally as if he were the protagonist of a tragedy.
“The Emperor and the Crown Prince are dead, and Capren Rowen was executed by Iswen Rowen. Demian Rowen said you wouldn’t be saddened by this, but…”
“Iswen killed our father?”
Sioden stopped speaking and stared at me. I realized his silence was an affirmation. It was still hard to believe.
“That can’t be…”
Iswen and our father didn’t have a particularly affectionate, ideal father-son relationship, but they worked well together.
Our father shared all his evil deeds with Iswen, and Iswen readily shared the burden of those sins.
Everyone thought that if his father fell, Iswen would fall as well. The opposite scenario… few people wished for the Rowens’ success, so few would have imagined it.
Perhaps noticing my lack of understanding, Sioden repeated the same meaning in different words.
“The two sons of Rowen were collaborators with the princess during the rebellion.”
Meaning they were on the same side as Sioden.
“Why did Iswen do that?”
I reflexively asked, then realized the question was pointless. Why did Iswen’s motives matter? After all, I couldn’t influence his thoughts or decisions.
There was only one thing I could confirm or take care of.
“……What will happen to me?”
“If you wish, you can return to the South.”
Following that predictable answer, which anyone who knew our relationship could have foreseen, Sioden said something unexpected.
“But if you don’t want to, you don’t have to.”
He spoke like someone making excuses.
“I know you didn’t have good memories in the North. But I promise it will be different in the future. So…”
It was a statement revealing an intention of reconciliation whose purpose was unclear.
I had a hunch that if I listened to him until the end, I would be in an irreversible situation where I would have to agree or refuse.
In the end, even though I knew it was impolite, I interrupted him.
“Is this because you feel sorry for me?”
Sioden looked at me with the expression of someone who had lost their words. It was the kind of expression one might make when hearing something too far off the mark or when being hit with a pointed remark.
If I had been slightly more positive, he might have mistaken my reaction for confusion due to his misjudgment, but I already knew his true intentions.
“……If possible, I would like to do that.”
It was a past I couldn’t bring myself to speak of.
Because I didn’t want to return to Rowen.
Even if he were called heartless, he would have no grounds to complain. Knowing that he only maintained even a semblance of courtesy towards me out of a sense of responsibility, yet he still wants me by his side.
But even if I returned to Rowen, all that awaited me was marriage to a new man.
Once was enough for marriage to add unhappiness to my life.
At one time, there were other reasons. The marriage vows, written in a dead language, had stayed with me for a long time. Therefore, my past self believed that even if there was no trust in this marriage, other things could exist.
…In fact, at one time, we acted like people in love.
‘When spring comes, there’s something I want to show you.’
Sioden’s words from sometime ago flashed through my mind.
But that time was as short as the time before sunset.
As the saying goes, love cannot take root in a heart where doubt resides.
Fortunately for Sioden, I no longer expect love from him. Our relationship is completely ruined; there’s not even a sliver of a chance of recovery, and I’d be lucky if things didn’t get any worse.
Even if Sioden feels sorry for me now, how long will that feeling last, especially since I won’t be suffering forever?
Even if I suffer for a long time, the outcome won’t change. People become numb to things that continue.
In the end, we’ll go back to the way things were. That “way things were” was a wound that felt stranger with each passing experience, yet it was an unchanging fact.
Still, keeping silent to increase his guilt would prick my conscience, so I cautiously spoke.
“Um… I heard the lottery was fair. So…”
“……Who said that?”
It was something one of Raslet’s retainers who drew lots with me had said.
But if I told Sioden the truth, I felt the conversation would go off in that direction.
We hadn’t talked much, but that didn’t mean I wanted to delve into the accumulated topics now.
“Who dares to say such a thing…”
Unable to finish his sentence, Sioden wiped his face. He said in a low voice,
“That was something you shouldn’t have experienced.”
It was something I never thought I would experience in my life, either.
But everything that had happened in my life until now had been like that. Unexpected waves of life crashing down in ways I never imagined, impossible to prevent or avoid.
Did Sioden have something similar? I suddenly wondered. If you have a similar experience, people can understand each other.
The foolish hope I almost embraced quickly subsided.
No matter what experiences Sioden had, he would never understand me.
It wasn’t because he was a bad person. It was just… things between us had never gone well.
Past experiences are the basis for judging the future.
I had sufficient grounds to judge our future.
“And I’m sorry about the Glasyr.”
“Iella.”
He called my name. It was the reaction of someone who wanted to stop what followed. Before he could achieve what he wanted, in the same way I had just done, he quickly concluded.
“I didn’t intend to damage two family heirlooms.”
After saying that, I wondered.
Does my intention matter? Until now, I’ve been judged by results, not intentions. So, does claiming it wasn’t intentional even have meaning?
Even though I knew it was ridiculous to doubt myself with every word, I couldn’t stop.
It was then that Sioden said something unexpected.
“I know you didn’t kill the tree.”
☪︎ ִ ࣪𖤐 𐦍 ☾𖤓 ☪︎ ִ ࣪𖤐 𐦍 ☾𖤓
“The culprit is under investigation. So…”
Sioden wiped his face. He seemed to be choosing his words.
While his words were interrupted, I asked,
“Who gave new testimony?”
“……Why do you think that?”
“Why? Because you’re…”
Because he wouldn’t have believed me.
I swallowed the words that would undoubtedly make the atmosphere awkward if spoken aloud.
Sioden had distrusted me until now. So if his judgment had changed, it must have been due to a factor other than myself.
Sioden seemed to know what I hadn’t said.
“I apologize for not listening to you until now.”
His apology raised a doubt I hadn’t considered before.
Could something major have happened to Sioden while I was unaware?
Could some earth-shattering event have occurred, changing the very foundations of who he was?
It was a hypothesis that, however unrealistic, seemed more plausible than what he was saying.
Even as I was confused, Sioden continued.
“I’ll find a way to compensate. So…”
His Adam’s apple bobbed. He seemed to be struggling, or perhaps anxious that his words wouldn’t be accepted.
He said in a low voice,
“……Will you give me a chance to right the wrong?”
