Chapter 016
“I do not expect you to apologize to Merwen.”
His blue eyes were already filled with disappointment toward me.
“Just admit that this is something you did.”
“But, I really didn’t do it!”
I know. It was reckless to shout at that moment.
Even if I spoke gently and calmly, the chances of Sioden listening to my claims were slim.
However, if I denied the situation even a little, it felt like that would only serve as evidence that I was the culprit.
Sioden, who had been tightly closing his mouth like someone enduring something, took a step closer.
“This is not your home.”
He said, chewing on the words.
“It means that your father, who would support you, and your two loyal brothers are not here.”
I was left speechless by that statement.
Even though I knew that Sioden saw my situation that way, the idea that my father would support me and that Iswen and Demian were loyal to me sounded absurd.
Sioden looked at me with cold eyes as I stood frozen.
“Why don’t you understand that denying it further only makes things worse?”
“Still, this is… really, I…”
I instinctively knew.
The moment I admitted that I had done this, the relationship between him and me would become irreparable.
Yet, no words came to mind that could help resolve the situation.
I squeezed my completely blank mind, stammering out the only words that came to me.
“Couldn’t we… at least conduct an investigation?”
Even though I knew it was already at the point of collapse, I wanted to preserve our relationship, even just a little.
It was a shallow and sharp relationship to describe as “us,” but still.
In my memory, he remained from the day we first met.
Sioden, who was silently looking down at me, shook his head.
“What use is an investigation?”
“……”
“The more you dig into the background, the more evidence there will be linking you.”
He took back the statement he had given me.
Gathering the paper, Sioden raised his gaze slightly. He wiped his face. His veins stood out, perhaps because it was early morning, covering his pale face.
As if he wanted to erase some emotion that lingered over it.
After wiping his face, Sioden said in a subdued voice,
“I don’t want to summon you to the capital for interrogation.”
“……”
“So, acknowledge your guilt here and now. It is the only way to avoid the scrutiny of others.”
He looked exhausted, as if fatigue was dripping from him.
I stared blankly up at him.
So, Sioden had no intention of listening to me from the beginning.
The reason he brought me here was to hear my confession in a place where there were no prying eyes.
In a way, I should be grateful for his consideration of my position, but strangely, my chest ached too much.
It felt like I had swallowed a lump of charcoal or like something sharp was tearing me apart.
Seeing me trembling as if in inexplicable pain, Sioden added an explanation in a weary, softened voice.
“If we start the investigation as you say, we will have to sweep through those around you first. You wouldn’t want that to happen, would you…?”
His words were correct. I did not want that.
But I had never hoped for such consideration either.
What I wanted was for him to listen to me at least once.
Not to conclude from the beginning that I was the culprit and to try to lessen the punishment.
In my mind, I thought his actions were justified. There was no reason for Sioden to trust me, and there were plenty of reasons for him to distrust me.
Yet, I also realized that the reason he wasn’t putting me on trial in front of his retainers right away was purely because he was a person of character who maintained courtesy even towards his tiresome wife.
I knew that for sure.
When I came to my senses, I found myself already begging him.
“Please, can’t you believe me just this once?”
☪︎ ִ ࣪𖤐 𐦍 ☾𖤓 ☪︎ ִ ࣪𖤐 𐦍 ☾𖤓
Naturally, my plea was in vain.
“Don’t you think you should first act in a way that makes me able to trust you?”
He sighed and wiped his face again. When he wasn’t smiling, his sharp eyes seemed dark.
It was probably due to the commotion from the night before.
With the family heirloom damaged, there would be no way for the head of the household to rest easy.
I recalled something I had heard from one of his knights long ago.
“His Excellency is very busy.”
As I tried to enter to see Sioden, the knight had stopped me.
“Mostly because of the Madam’s family, the Rowens.”
I couldn’t refute that statement. Just because I lived as if I had no eyes or ears didn’t mean I truly saw or heard nothing.
Especially the whispers about me were hard to ignore, even if I tried to brush them off.
So, I understood that I was also caught up in matters that Sioden shouldn’t have had to deal with.
If there was any conscience left, I couldn’t speak in a situation where that point was being pointed out.
The knight had looked down at me, unable to respond, and added,
“If you truly care for His Excellency, please return to your place as his wife and remain as if you were not there.”
At that moment, the gaze that had looked at me with disdain seemed to overlap with Sioden’s face now.
It likely wasn’t much different from reality.
If anything, Sioden probably found me more tiresome than that knight.
“I’m tired of this with you.”
Yet, I still wanted to argue back with him.
“Haven’t I listened to all the countless things you’ve insisted on?”
No, you’ve never listened even once.
You’ve always seen me as the lady of Rowen, the daughter of your enemy.
…The way you acted on the day we first met seems like a lie.
Such words rose to the tip of my tongue.
Fortunately or unfortunately, Sioden was a step ahead of me. He spoke.
“As you say, just once.”
“……”
“Just once would be fine; please try to be honest.”
There was no longer any anger or disappointment left on his face.
Instead, Sioden looked endlessly weary. His tiredness resonated so vividly.
I thought it was saddest when he was angry, but seeing this weariness felt like being choked.
So, for the first time, I lied.
“You’re right.”
As I continued to watch him wear himself out because of me, I felt like I wouldn’t be able to breathe anymore.
“I did it, I did it…”
It was just as Sioden had said; it was only once.
It was merely an acknowledgment, yet I couldn’t understand why it felt like my tongue was being sliced by a knife.
Whether I admitted to the crime or not, Sioden must have believed that I did it.
The only thing that had changed was my heart.
Why did it feel like my entire being was collapsing?
Before the crumbling feelings could flow from my eyes, I lowered my head and covered my face. It was obvious my eyes were red, and I couldn’t bear to look at Sioden.
People didn’t like to see someone cry. Especially if it was someone they didn’t care for, even more so.
“There’s nothing that will change by crying in front of me.”
Hadn’t Sioden said something like that?
Fortunately, his acknowledgement came before my tears. Sioden said flatly.
“I understand.”
It was the most sincere affirmation I had received from him until now.
The feeling when a man who constantly doubted everything about me acknowledged a single lie.
Swallowing that bitterness that couldn’t be compared to anything else, I realized.
What had become irretrievable was not just our relationship. My heart would never be the same again.
No matter how I tried to cover it, I wouldn’t forget this moment.
Having gotten what he wanted, Sioden didn’t stay long.
Just before turning his back on me, he casually said,
“Since it’s cold, please go inside the castle.”
However, if he truly cared for me, we would have left the forest together.
That day, Sioden never looked back, and I waited until he disappeared and cried. In the castle, where every direction was filled with watchful eyes, I couldn’t shed a tear freely.
The day was still cold, but facing the sharp wind was better than trying to gather my fragmented heart.
Was it because my clothes were thin, or was it because I endured the cold wind too long just to hide a little moisture?
The next day, I caught a cold just like that.
