Chapter 19
Evelyn’s messy hair blew wildly in the wind, revealing her face at last.
Her eyes, filled with despair, had lost their light. Her lips were twisted from holding back tears, and her chin trembled as if it might shatter.
“My family died because of me. Because of me! They died because I was foolish!”
A tear slipped down her cheek, even though she had tried so hard not to cry.
“I don’t deserve to live. I have to atone for their deaths with my own. My precious people are gone because of me. So, I have to… I have to…”
“You think following them in death will make things right?”
“…Yes. I do.”
Her voice, once full of pain, grew quiet and tired.
A faint smile appeared on Evelyn’s exhausted face.
“I have one last request. I’ll do it myself, but when I’m gone… please burn my body with theirs. I want to leave nothing behind, so I can go to them completely.”
“You think that’s how you ease your guilt?”
“I know it won’t bring them back. That’s why I have to do this even more…”
“Is that really the only reason? Is guilt the only thing making you want to die?”
Chaser’s calm, sharp question pierced through her, hitting the truth she had tried so hard to ignore.
“…I don’t have the strength to go on.”
Finally, Evelyn admitted what she hadn’t been able to say before.
She had tried to make it sound like she was paying for her sins, but deep down, it wasn’t about atonement. She just wanted to run away from a life without them.
“I would’ve given my entire life for them. They didn’t deserve to die like that.”
In a world without them, she no longer had a reason to live.
“They were my paradise, my salvation, my purpose… and I destroyed everything. I don’t want to live in a world where they don’t exist.”
A bitter laugh slipped from her lips.
The fact that she was telling all this to the person she had feared the most, the one she thought had taken her family away, was absurd.
But maybe, in the end, it was better this way.
At least she got to say it out loud.
These were feelings she couldn’t speak to her family, or anyone else. They were too heavy, too personal.
If he mocked her, or looked down on her, she wouldn’t fight it. She had no strength left to care.
“Do you really think your family would want this? For you to end your life like this?”
His words stopped her. They were completely unexpected.
“Lasagna may have accepted the pain of being apart from you, but she wanted you to live well in the convent. Your siblings didn’t want to become a burden. They wanted you to be happy.”
Evelyn stopped moving. Her body went still.
“Let me ask you again, Evelyn. If you die to pay for what happened, would your family be happy?”
“I… I don’t know…”
While she hesitated, Chaser’s voice stayed firm.
“No. They wouldn’t want that. Not the ones I knew. They would have worried about you. They would have wanted you to survive and live well.”
A cold wind brushed against her cheek again.
But this time, the wind didn’t sting. It felt gentle, almost warm.
As if his words had brought the truth with them.
Overwhelmed, Evelyn couldn’t hold back anymore. She collapsed into tears.
Evelyn felt like she had been struck in the head. Pain exploded through her skull, and her eyes shot open.
Or at least, she thought they did.
Everything looked blurred, like someone had poured water over her vision.
“Where… am I?”
She blinked over and over, trying to focus, but her head only spun harder.
“This… looks like a room…”
Her thoughts were foggy. Her head pounded, her stomach churned like she might throw up, and even breathing felt difficult.
The pain was too much. She gave up trying to see and closed her eyes again.
She didn’t care where she was or what was happening to her.
She didn’t want to know.
She just wanted to disappear into the pain and never come back.
Then, suddenly, through the darkness, she saw someone.
A man stood before her, looking away. Slowly, he turned his head toward her.
Light returned to the scene.
The cold terrace was now filled with soft moonlight. A white curtain on the terrace door fluttered in the breeze.
Then she saw his face.
Dark hair framed his pale skin. His face was striking, almost unreal.
It was Chaser.
The chill of winter still lingered on his expression, but he wore a faint, warm smile.
He looked at her with golden eyes and stepped closer.
“It’s alright,” he said softly.
Then, as if afraid she might run again, he gently pulled her into his arms.
“If it’s too hard, I’ll help you.”
His low voice in her ear was warmer than anything she had ever known.
Somehow, those few words were enough to calm the storm inside her.
“So don’t ever do that again.”
Just as he said those words, the world around her went dark again.
Then she heard a voice, close by. A familiar one.
“What kind of dream are you having…”
Maybe it was because the pain had finally numbed.
Evelyn, no longer trying to surrender to her suffering, slowly opened her eyes.
“…”
Someone had wiped her eyes while she slept, as if gently comforting her after crying.
Chaser?
Evelyn blinked several times in disbelief, but the man sitting beside her did not change.
Startled by her sudden awakening, Chaser held a handkerchief awkwardly in mid-air. Realizing what he was doing, he quietly lowered his hand.
Evelyn’s gaze shifted to his hand.
That soft, white handkerchief was still there, folded between his fingers.
“You’re awake?”
His voice was calm, without a hint of surprise. It no longer held the harshness from before.
Evelyn tried to reply, but her throat stung, and her face twisted from the pain.
“You don’t have to talk. You caught a cold. The doctor said it was from the rain and the cold wind last night.”
“I see…”
Chaser’s explanation brought back memories of the previous night—memories she had tried to forget.
I tried to die after being saved. What a mess.
She let out a quiet sigh, but then noticed something odd.
What is this?
She turned her head casually, then froze.
Her right hand was tightly holding Chaser’s left, as if refusing to let go.
Was I holding his hand the whole time? Even while sleeping?
Embarrassed, Evelyn shut her eyes tightly. She wanted to disappear into a hole in the ground.
Flustered, she shifted her fingers slightly, trying to let go. Only then did Chaser glance down at their hands.
His large, bare hand gently wrapped around hers. With a hint of mischief, he ran his thumb softly over the back of her hand.
“Ah!”
Startled, Evelyn pulled her hand away and tossed his aside without thinking.
“W-What are you doing?!”
She shouted from shock, then instantly regretted it.
My throat…
As she coughed and clutched at her dry neck, Chaser quickly brought a glass of water to her lips, carefully helping her drink.
“Can you sit up?”
He gently supported her back and helped her rise.
As she caught her breath, his voice came again, this time with a playful tone.
“I stayed by your side all night because someone wouldn’t let go of my hand. And now I get tossed aside like this?”
“I didn’t mean to! I just…”
Evelyn could now understand exactly what it meant to have your face burn with embarrassment.
To think that after last night’s scene, she’d caused even more trouble by clinging to him in her sleep.
Her head spun again, just from how much of a burden she had been.
“I’m sorry.”
Instead of making excuses, she chose to apologize honestly.
“Hmm?”
“I was the one who brought the guest inside. I put everyone at risk. You were just doing your job, but I needed someone to blame. That’s why I lashed out at you, even though you didn’t deserve it.”
In the heavy silence, Evelyn fidgeted with the glass of water in her hands.
“And… I’m sorry about last night too. You saved me, but I still tried to die. I must’ve caused a scene.”
A bitter smile formed on her lips. Even she couldn’t believe how foolish she had been.
Strangely enough, the urge to die didn’t feel as strong anymore.
All it took was a few words of comfort.
“Pretty pathetic, isn’t it?”
Her voice, filled with self-mockery, was the last thing she said before falling silent.
Chaser looked at her small shoulders, trembling slightly.
Maybe it was the way she tried to act okay, even though the trauma still weighed on her. That made her seem a little more admirable.
Chaser, putting on a voice that sounded almost kind, offered her some words of comfort.
“You lost your entire family. It would be strange if you were fine.”
“…”
“Is there something on my face?”
Evelyn quickly shook her head.
“No… I’m just thankful.”
But her face told a different story. Her expression was still dark, like someone who might walk out again at any moment.
She lowered her head, unable to hide how heavy her heart still felt.
Chaser didn’t need to see her face to know what kind of look she wore.
She probably looks like she’s about to cry again.
He stared at her quietly, his face unreadable.
