Chapter 51: Consolation (1)
Chapter 51: Consolation (1)
“Your Grace… why are you here…?”
A dazed murmur escaped Ariel’s lips, her mouth agape in surprise.
Of course, it wasn’t strange for Jin to come here. She simply wondered why, of all times, he had come at the exact moment she was here too. Ever since that incident, she hadn’t been ready to face him. Seeing him here felt too sudden, too coincidental.
The instant she saw his expressionless face, impossible to read, the memories of that day, the images, the feelings, flashed unbidden through her mind.
His face, so close it was almost touching hers; the fiery gaze that seemed to reach past the cold, mask-like exterior to envelop her whole being; the hot breath carrying a sweet scent that approached her lips.
And even her own self, so nearly ensnared by him.
It all came back so vividly that it was incomparable to merely thinking of him. A flush spread across Ariel’s face. She quickly turned her head away to avoid his gaze.
Even after she looked away, Jin continued to stare at her intently for a moment. Under the dazzling, cloudless sunlight, her shining platinum hair, her flushed cheeks, her eyes tinged with a wistful glow, everything about her struck him as beautiful. No, more than beautiful, blindingly so. Like a light so bright it eclipsed everything else.
At that moment, in his eyes, in his mind, in his heart, there was only her. Even the faint guilt he’d felt toward Aska, like a small splinter lodged in his chest, was washed away without a trace. As he’d always known, she was his salvation, his miracle.
He wanted to see her more closely. That thought made Jin rise to his feet. Slowly, softly, he stepped toward her. The closer he came, the deeper the blush on her warm cheeks. An impulse rose within him, to press his lips to that soft warmth, but he resisted the temptation, unwilling to repeat the mistake he’d nearly made once before. Instead, he simply looked down at her.
“I thought that if I came here, I might see you. I wanted to see you, but… you never called for me.”
At those words, realization dawned on Ariel. Meeting him here hadn’t been a coincidence.
His straightforward words brought not embarrassment at first but confusion. She flinched and turned back to him, her crimson eyes clouded with uncertainty.
“How did you know I’d be here…?”
“I went to the pharmacy to see you, and… well, I heard. When I heard it was your hometown, I wondered if maybe…”
Jin’s words, which had been flowing so easily, suddenly halted. A truth he hadn’t consciously acknowledged now struck him. He let out a faint, pained breath, then forced the words out again.
“…I’m sorry I followed you. I knew it was improper, but I wanted to see you.”
“It’s… it’s okay, really…”
Ariel cut him off sharply. As soon as her question was answered, his blunt confession hit her, and the embarrassment she’d managed to contain surged back. Her gaze dropped once more.
“I… I’m sorry. I didn’t have the courage to see Your Grace again, so I kept putting it off.”
“Why is that?”
“But…”
Jin’s soft question was cut off. Ariel didn’t hear him, and Jin didn’t press her to answer. No matter how deeply he wanted to understand, she always came first.
Slowly, Ariel lifted her head. Her trembling gaze, like ripples on a lake, sought him out. Her heart pounded wildly, heat rising in her cheeks. Her senses, still tense from recalling that day, focused on his lips.
She forced herself to ignore the tickle of her lips and continued.
“Seeing Your Grace’s face like this… I realize now that avoiding you won’t solve anything.”
Having given her heart to him, there was no avoiding it anymore. No matter how long it took for those feelings to fade, this state would persist. Avoiding him wouldn’t erase what she felt.
If it would be the same either way, she might as well face him, say what needed to be said, and hear what needed to be heard.
She bit her lip, struggling to maintain a calm expression, and added, “I have things I want to say to Your Grace too. Questions I want to ask. But first…”
Her eyes flicked toward the grave in the distance, just beyond his shoulder.
“Could you wait for me, just until I’m done here?”
Jin’s gaze followed hers. When his eyes finally settled on the grave, he answered not with words but by stepping aside to give her space.
Ariel walked past him toward the grave. Settling herself between two headstones, she crouched down just as Jin had earlier.
It was the place she’d visited every year on this date, without fail, always with Aynkel. But not this year. Aynkel had gone to where they were now. Now, all of her family except her lay together in this place.
The thought washed away all the intense emotions she’d just felt with Jin. The embarrassment that had made her fingertips and toes curl vanished as if it had never been.
Suddenly, Ariel found herself wondering something she’d never once thought to ask since they died.
“…Are you happy?”
The dead gave no answer. Even if they could, she’d never know. The world of the living and the world of the dead were forever separate.
She felt tears trickling down her cheeks. She hadn’t cried over death for so long she couldn’t even remember when. It wasn’t because she was sad that her parents had died.
“Ayn…”
These tears were born of guilt, guilt over a younger sibling who had feared death yet couldn’t avoid it. And of the loneliness that now overwhelmed her. A trembling sigh broke the silence, brushing her ear like a whisper.
“So… this was what you came to do… to cry.”
A rough yet gentle touch brushed her face, lightly and slowly wiping away her tears. It took her only a moment to realize it was Jin’s hand. She turned her head toward his hand and met his sorrowful eyes.
His touch, so warm and tender, erased her tears as if to share her pain. Ariel’s gaze fell. More tears beaded on her lashes and fell. Silently, his hand continued to wipe them away.
Even the mere touch of his hand, which usually embarrassed her so, couldn’t pierce the deep sorrow in her heart. And yet, that warmth seemed to reach into her darkness and lift her up. She grasped his hand like a drowning person grasping a lifeline. Unconsciously, her hand held his tightly.
Jin tried to ignore the electric current that surged through him at the contact. Right now, that didn’t matter. He left his hand there, continuing to wipe away her tears that would not stop. Her downcast crimson eyes shimmered, turbulent with emotion.
What could he say to ease her heart, even a little? He thought hard, then finally spoke, choosing his words carefully.
“Didn’t you tell me once? That Aska would want me to live without pain.”
At his words, Ariel, who had shown no change in expression, no movement except for the falling tears, lifted her gaze to him. Her eyes, brimming with conflicting emotions, met his. For a long moment, she was silent. Then she spoke.
“If it were as easy as saying it…”
I would have long since overcome it.
Though her voice trailed off, Jin understood all too well the words she hadn’t spoken.
The despair of losing a loved one wasn’t something that could melt away with a few comforting words. If it were that easy, he wouldn’t have suffered for nearly twenty years. Even not long ago, he had a wound that time itself couldn’t heal. He knew all too well how she felt.
And he understood then.
To him, she could be salvation. But to her, he was nothing of the sort. They meant different things to each other, so how could they ever find solace in the same words?
Jin pressed his lips together, holding back a bitter sigh, and pondered again.
“…If you can’t be free of pain…”
She didn’t seem to expect much from his words. She turned away, looking at the grave. But her eyes, though fixed on the grave, were filled with a desperate longing to see something far beyond it.
I want to go there too. But I can’t go on my own. Someone would have to come take me.
In that moment, Jin saw himself right after Aska’s death. He covered her eyes with his free hand. His large hand completely shielded her vision. After a long, troubled pause, he finally spoke again.
“Then… please let me carry that pain with you.”
“…”
Carry it… together.
Surprisingly, those words eased the turbulence in her heart, if only a little. As her feelings softened, new thoughts emerged.
Carrying someone else’s grief was never easy. And when that grief had no clear end, it was even harder. Even love could only sustain one for so long; in the end, the endless repetition would wear anyone down. That was how some couples, some lovers, parted ways.
Ariel repeated his words to herself over and over in her mind. A heavy silence settled between them.
At last, she opened her mouth to speak.
……
T/N: They say time heals, but exactly how long?
