Chapter 46: Change (3)
Chapter 46: Change (3)
“…Why are you looking at me like that?”
“You might not have actually died and come back, but don’t you ever feel scared like you could’ve died for real?”
“Huh?”
“After all that chaos, after everything you’ve been through… you still want to stay in the army?”
At that question, Ariel’s expression froze before she could even realize it. The few words Karma had spoken tore down the fragile dam holding back her unstable emotions. Fear came rushing in like a tidal wave, overwhelming her chest before she could brace herself.
The terrible pain that had numbed her mind. The desperate will to live that bloomed in the midst of it. The unbearable struggle to hold on to the thread of life slipping through her wounds while still being forced to fight. It all surged up like a crashing wave.
“Why would you bring something like that up… all of a sudden?”
Her voice trembled violently, like a leaf in the wind. Her body shook just as much as her voice, her hands clenched so tightly they turned white.
Karma’s expression darkened at the sight.
“… Rel?”
Ariel’s reaction was far more serious than she had expected. It felt like she was watching someone showing signs of real trauma after barely surviving a brush with death.
‘Did she really almost die?’
She hadn’t had any visible wounds on her shoulders, no internal injuries either. She’d seemed calm enough when speaking, so Karma had assumed it wasn’t anything major. That assumption had led her to speak so lightly. Now, Karma realized she had made a huge mistake.
Startled, she instinctively grabbed Ariel’s hand, the one with the IV needle still inserted. Ariel’s hand was so tense it looked like a vein might burst. Karma gently stroked the back of her hand, trying to soothe her.
“Rel… I’m sorry. Don’t cry, okay?”
But Ariel, dazed and unresponsive, didn’t hear her. Safe in front of someone she trusted most, she finally let everything go. Her eyes hollowed, she began to murmur in a trance.
“It hurt so much. It hurt so bad I couldn’t see straight, I could barely think, and they told me if I didn’t fight, I’d die. I didn’t want to die. I was scared. I fought because I wanted to live. But it hurt so much… I really thought I was going to die. And then I woke up… and I was still alive.”
Her voice caught, and for a moment she fell silent, then she continued.
“I fought tooth and nail to stay alive… because I wanted to live so badly…”
Another pause. Then tears welled up in her eyes, clinging to her lashes before falling one by one. When she finally spoke again, her voice trembled with a heartbreaking fragility.
“And when I woke up… it just felt ridiculous. I used to think dying was no big deal. But when I really thought I was going to die… I fought with everything I had, just to survive.”
Karma felt crushed beneath the weight of guilt. She’d said something she should never have said, completely unaware of the truth.
Wearing a troubled expression, she slipped off her shoes and climbed lightly onto the bed, sitting down in front of Ariel. With a deep sigh, she gently pulled Ariel into her arms.
Ariel’s frame was much smaller, easy to embrace. But because of her injuries, Karma didn’t dare pat her back.
“You didn’t know before because you’d never been that close to dying. But wanting to live… that’s a natural instinct. You were born to live. What’s so funny about that? It’s not funny at all.”
It was meant to comfort her but it was also undeniably true.
“But Ayn… Ayn must’ve died fighting like that, too. How badly must he have wanted to live… how much… I just… I feel so guilty. So guilty I wish I were dead. But now I know… just how painful and terrifying death really is…”
“That’s enough. Stop. Don’t go there.”
As Ariel’s emotions threatened to spiral out of control, Karma quickly pulled her face into her chest, cutting off her words. It was as if she had forcibly silenced her, but Ariel didn’t resist. Karma whispered gently, trying to calm her.
“This wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. You don’t have to keep hurting. Do you really think he’d want you like this?”
Buried in Karma’s embrace, Ariel suddenly felt a strange sense of déjà vu. Even through her uncontrollable sobbing, a powerful emotion surfaced. As she tried to trace its origin, a recent memory came to her.
[“You don’t have to hurt anymore.”]
It was something she had once said to a man who couldn’t escape a long-past guilt. She’d genuinely meant it, thinking that if it had been Aska, he would have said the same.
Maybe that’s why…
Karma’s sincere comfort now felt like something Aynkel herself might have said. As if those words had come directly from Aynkel’s mouth.
It was oddly comforting. And within that warm embrace and kind voice, Ariel’s turbulent emotions slowly began to settle. Her sobs gradually subsided. Karma held her and comforted her until the tears stopped completely.
Only after a long while, Ariel stirred at last. Karma released her from the hug. As Ariel wiped her face with her palm, she muttered in a small, sheepish voice.
“I shouldn’t have said anything…”
Though she’d stopped crying, her voice was still thick with emotion.
“Sorry.”
Karma rubbed the tear-stained fabric of her clothes with her sleeve and apologized sincerely. Then she pulled out the handkerchief she always carried when going out and handed it to Ariel. Ariel accepted it without hesitation and wiped her face.
Seeing her so much calmer, Karma finally relaxed. She opened the pocket watch she carried and checked the time. To her shock, the hands pointed to noon.
“Oh no, it’s already this late? I came straight here without eating anything. Want to grab a bite?”
Ariel, dabbing her face with the handkerchief, narrowed her eyes. After a brief pause, she gave a small nod.
“Yeah. But let’s check with Ophelia first.”
* * *
“It’s not a good idea to go far, but somewhere nearby should be fine.”
Surprisingly, Ophelia gave permission without much fuss. Then she added firmly, “But!”
She proceeded to rattle off a list of conditions. Only after Ariel had memorized them like scripture was she finally allowed to leave the pharmacy.
Due to the restrictions, there weren’t many foods Ariel could eat. Even though the area around the pharmacy was quite developed, their options were limited. They settled on a small restaurant about five minutes away.
The place they picked was the closest of the few available and unexpectedly crowded. Most of the patrons wore patient gowns like Ariel’s. It seemed they were all in similar situations.
After glancing over the bustling interior, Ariel pulled her IV stand a little closer and entered the restaurant with some difficulty.
Once they ordered, they were shown to their seats and sat facing each other. Karma quietly studied Ariel, whose mood had improved but who still couldn’t quite shake the lingering heaviness.
At some point, her friend’s face, once serene and steady, had become shadowed with an unshakable sadness. Then, unexpectedly, Ariel spoke up.
“I’ve been thinking I might go visit home soon.”
“Home?”
Karma, still focused on Ariel’s face, responded naturally. Ariel gave a slight nod, and Karma tilted her head.
“That’s sudden. You usually only go on the anniversary.”
“It’s just…”
Ariel’s words trailed off. As she tried to answer, an image came unbidden to her mind and took over her senses.
Pale lashes weighed down by sorrow. Eyes brimming with unshed tears. Golden irises trembling like a pond struck by a stone. A voice thick with pain and grief. That unforgettable, heartbreaking image ached in her chest.
Moved once again by that emotion, she was on the verge of tears when Karma asked again, unable to wait any longer, “Just what?”
“Oh…”
Snapped out of it, Ariel gave a little shake and answered,
“After hearing some things about my dad… I suddenly wanted to see him.”
“…Your dad? From who?”
“Sir Jin Kreutz…”
Her voice dropped noticeably at his name. A faint blush colored her cheeks, and her lips twitched as if they were ticklish. It was an odd expression. Seeing it unfold in real-time, Karma’s face twisted in confusion.
“…What’s with that look? Just a while ago you said the guy made you uneasy. That’s not the face of someone saying his name casually.”
“…”
Ariel, her face flushed, looked visibly flustered. She glanced away from Karma, her lips trembling. After a moment’s hesitation, she began to speak.
She told her everything. How Jin had once been her father’s disciple, how he had no relation to Aynkel, how she no longer felt uneasy about his kindness, how she had finally realized her feelings for him, and how that realization made her wonder if maybe he just saw her father in her. That thought, in turn, left her feeling strangely melancholic.
Karma listened quietly as Ariel picked at her food. When the story came to an end, she slowly put her utensils down and stared at Ariel.
Though her face was still red, a faint sadness lingered behind the blush. After weighing her tone and expression carefully, Karma finally spoke.
“So basically… what it comes down to is this: you like the guy, and you’re scared, so your face is doing that?”
She pointed directly at Ariel’s face.
……
T/N: I’m still crying over here 😢
