Chapter 45: Change (2)
Chapter 45: Change (2)
[“I don’t resent you. So… you don’t have to hurt anymore. Father would’ve wanted that too.”]
The guilt he carried had faded, likely because of those very words.
Assuming those words had come from her father, they would’ve been laden with the weight of forgiveness. And since she resembled Aska so closely, was it because he felt as though he had been forgiven by Aska that the guilt had lifted?
Just then, a sudden thought flitted through Ariel’s mind.
Was he simply seeing her father in her? Was every affection he showed her born solely from that resemblance? It made sense. Of course it did.
Then why did that question leave her so unsettled?
“…Huh?”
The moment she had that thought, it felt as though a heavy stone had dropped into her chest. Her heart thudded in her ears, loud and weighty.
It was a strange, unfamiliar feeling.
‘…Why?’
And along with it came a quiet but disorienting confusion.
Dazed, Ariel lowered her gaze and looked down at her chest. Of course, the heart wasn’t something one could see. Outwardly, there was no change.
She gently placed her now-unburdened hand, just freed from an IV, over her chest. The steady, pounding heartbeat pulsed vividly beneath her palm. The rhythm carried with it an unspoken anxiety and a hint of melancholy.
‘What is this?’
Her rational mind questioned the strange emotional shift. Her emotions gave no answer. What had begun as a flicker of confusion didn’t fade. It lingered, circling her mind and heart persistently.
Why?
From the very beginning, she had known that he didn’t see her purely as an individual. Even back when she had no idea who Jin Kreutz really was, his actions made it blatantly clear that there was some other reason for his attention, something beyond mere interest.
She had been the one to press for the truth and ultimately drag it out of him. Of course he saw Aska in her. That much was inevitable. But that wasn’t the true source of her confusion.
‘If you take Father away… what’s left of me in his eyes?’
Would she mean nothing at all?
Was Ariel Elias meaningful to Jin Kreutz solely because she was the daughter of Aska Elias? Was the attention he showed her born only of that? Did he see value in her only because he saw echoes of Aska?
No… I don’t want that. I want to matter on my own. Not as the daughter of Aska Elias, but as Ariel Elias, just me.
That was the question, the longing, and the confusion that had been spiraling through Ariel’s mind ever since the thought first struck her. She couldn’t understand why such an embarrassing thought had crossed her mind. It felt almost like she…
‘…likes him.’
She kept trying to deny it, but no other explanation came.
If that were true, then when did it begin? Could feelings change so easily, like flipping a switch?
She had never disliked the man who had been kind to her. But that was all. She’d thought of him as someone who might be hiding something, who left her with a vague sense of unease, but certainly not someone evil. That was the extent of it. Even when she learned he wasn’t responsible for Aynkel’s death, her relief had simply come from not having to hate a good person.
“…Oh.”
Wait.
As she sifted through the jumble of emotions, her reason suddenly caught a sharp detail in the current.
“A… good person?”
When did I start thinking of him as a good person?
Realization hit like a crashing wave, each thought chasing the next in a relentless tide.
She hadn’t realized how strong her feelings had become, hidden behind the walls of unease and doubt. She had built those walls to protect herself, never knowing that inside, something else had been blooming.
A good person.
As she recalled that unconscious label her mind had given him, her heartbeat quickened. And at that moment, Ariel understood. She had already been drawn to him without even realizing it.
While she focused only on her own emotional defenses, and on the version of him that lingered just outside those walls, he had quietly planted a flower within them, steeped in his scent. And by the time she turned around and noticed it, she was already soaked in its fragrance.
Her feelings for him were no longer just mild fondness.
This sudden awareness sparked like fire and spread rapidly. To feel affection for someone as a man was a sentiment too overwhelming for her reason to contain. Once revealed, it quickly overpowered her rationality and filled her, body and mind alike.
Her strength drained from the sheer shock. The hand she had placed over her chest slipped off and fell onto the bed. The realization left a flush of heat on her pale face.
Her emotions had grown too complex, too large, and eventually spilled over, leaving her mind blank.
Only then did she fully register her situation. There was nothing remotely ideal about it. She had a mountain of responsibilities waiting and yet, here she was, caught up in emotions she could hardly afford.
Ariel shook her head in an attempt to rid herself of those thoughts. She was too dizzy to do it properly, but at least the flush on her cheeks began to fade. Somewhere along the way, her grip must have tightened, crumpling the letter in her hand. She recalled its contents easily. And with that, another long sigh escaped her lips. As one question gave way to the next, a new, heavier uncertainty emerged.
This time, however, she was too afraid to even ask it aloud.
If every feeling he had toward her truly originated from Aska Elias…
She didn’t know the full extent of his emotions, and that uncertainty frightened her more than anything. Now that she had acknowledged her own feelings, she doubted she could bear it if that fear turned out to be true. And yet, seeing him without an answer would also hurt. She knew her thoughts would only spiral into negativity.
It was an utter mess.
Whether she would seek the answer and prepare herself for the outcome, or give up the question altogether and try to accept things as they were, she knew she needed to choose. Only then could she face him again.
But despite the resolve she had only moments ago, Ariel found herself hesitating again when it came to reaching out to Jin.
With a soft sigh, she placed the crumpled letter on the shelf beside the memo pad and postponed making a decision.
* * *
After that, Ariel read through three letters from Karma that were filled with curses, and several more from old friends expressing concern. When she’d finished, she sent replies to those who had written.
Except Jin.
More accurately, she couldn’t bring herself to contact him. In the end, she still hadn’t made up her mind.
Two days passed.
Of those she had contacted, the first to visit in person, unsurprisingly, was Karma, who had written every single day since hearing about Ariel’s condition.
“You d**n…! You really gonna keep making people worry like this?!”
The moment Karma saw Ariel, she burst out shouting. Judging by the pause between ‘d**n’ and whatever had almost followed, her tone, and her usual demeanor, she had likely held back a much harsher curse.
But even knowing that, Ariel couldn’t bring herself to be angry. Karma looked like she was about to cry. Ariel wasn’t coldhearted enough to scold someone like that.
She had only one thing she could offer – an honest apology.
“…I’m sorry. You must’ve been worried.”
“And now you’re asking that?!”
Karma was yelling again, glaring straight at her, but the words stopped short.
The weight she’d lost since their last meeting, the loose hospital gown, the IV needle in the back of her hand, and the faintly visible bandages beneath her clothes. There wasn’t a single part of her that looked okay.
“Ah…”
With a short sigh, Karma ruffled her hair in frustration and swallowed her anger. Her next words, spoken after a pause, were clearly softer than before.
“So… how’s your body now? How bad was it? Why the hell did you take so long to reply?”
“Um…”
Ariel dropped her gaze, hesitation flickering in her eyes. The faint hint of gloom in her expression made Karma’s brow twitch.
“What is it?”
“I was just… really overwhelmed. I needed time to think.”
“Did something happen?”
“Well, sort of…”
Ariel shrank even more than before, nervously folding her hands in her lap. Her fingers fidgeted as she bit back her words. It was clear something had happened, but she didn’t seem ready to talk about it. Karma frowned and waved a hand dismissively.
“If you don’t want to talk, you don’t have to.”
“It’s not that… I just… I’m not sure where to start. I’ve been thinking about too many things.”
“Then start with how bad your injuries are, how much better you’ve gotten, and what your plans are. One step at a time.”
“…You’re not curious about how I got hurt?”
“I heard. Dimont Forest. Black Fog. Am I right?”
“…Yeah.”
“Something that rare spreads across divisions fast.”
Karma’s voice was matter-of-fact. Ariel slowly lifted her head. Their eyes met. She blinked a few times. Karma responded with a shrug, then began examining Ariel’s body more closely.
“Only external injury I can see is your shoulder. Nothing else? Internal damage? It wasn’t a giant, right? It was a monster?”
“Yeah. But it’s healing slower than normal wounds.”
“Makes sense. Monster-inflicted wounds don’t respond well to holy power, from what I’ve heard.”
After checking Ariel’s condition, Karma clicked her tongue and sat down at the corner of the bed. She crossed her legs, shifted to face Ariel, and raised her left arm.
“Can you lift your arm?”
“Not yet.”
Ariel shook her head. As she lowered her arm, Karma’s expression twisted into a look of displeasure. Her gaze was fixed on the bandage peeking out from beneath Ariel’s clothes.
Watching her friend silently stare at her exposed skin with eyes clouded by a tangle of emotions, Ariel felt an odd sense of embarrassment. She timidly reached up and wrapped her arms around her shoulders.
Once the bandage disappeared from view, Karma’s gaze naturally drifted away. Her eyes met Ariel’s again. There was something sharp in that stare that made Ariel’s body tense. Karma spoke, her voice light but probing.
……
T/N: I think that the more you think of a person, the more their presence occupies your whole being so you fall for them without knowing 🤷
