Chapter 37
TW: mentions of su*c*dal thoughts
On her nineteenth birthday, Alice thought about su*c*de for the first time.
‘Haven’t I experienced everything a person should in a lifetime?’
Last year, her father died. After his family’s prosperity turned to debt and poverty, he worked until his death.
Earlier this year, her brother died. It was from illness.
Shortly after Alice entered Canary Medical School, her mother died. As if finishing her final assignment, she drank alcohol that didn’t suit her frail body, and by dawn, she was found at the bottom of the stairs.
Some called it an accident, others su*c*de. Alice said nothing. There’s no need to label every misfortune.
…Though she did consider the distasteful joke that if she ended her life with su*c*de, the Boucher family would make an excellent sample of modern deaths – though her mother’s death would need the “accidental” label.
Only one thing held Alice to life.
‘My sister will definitely become a doctor.’
Aubert.
As long as her brother’s body, practically sold off, remained at Canary Medical School, Alice couldn’t give up yet.
Whether fortunate or not.
Guilt and sorrow gradually crumbled during her university life.
Studies were difficult yet interesting, bringing both achievement and frustration. There were many fascinating classes besides her major. She could meet people from previously unknown social classes.
The world’s bastards also showed various forms. And among them, Alice…
…experienced so many things over the years.
University life quickly proved that her thoughts on her nineteenth birthday were mere impulses.
In such circumstances, Nathan was the only person Alice could face with a smile.
It was as natural as moths following light. Her father’s friend. Someone who wanted to extend to the daughter the help he received from her father. An intellectual who didn’t want to lose talent because of gender.
How could she not like him?
Of course, loose-lipped people would distort Alice’s life in their own amusing ways.
“A female medical student and young professor, they must be ‘that kind’ of relationship, right?”
“It’s funnier if they’re not. Look how she scurries to Nathan’s lab whenever she sees men’s shadows behind her.”
“Even if nothing’s happening, something should happen. ‘An old friend of her father’—seriously, how long can anyone believe that?”
She wanted to grab the whisperers by the collar. If it had been just about her, she would have at least argued back. But fearing it would burden Nathan, Alice kept quiet.
Anyway, the lab members could prove they weren’t ‘that kind’ of relationship. Such idle gossip would quiet down during exam periods.
But before this modest belief could be realized, Alice overheard a conversation outside the professors’ lounge.
“Nathan. Students are exchanging unpleasant jokes about you and the female student. Though it’s the kind of rumor young bloods would spread… Surely there’s no truth to it?”
“Hahaha! Ah, men’s jokes never evolve past the fourteen-year-old level! Of course, Alice and I aren’t in that kind of relationship. Who has time for romance?”
“That’s a relief. I believed in you, of course. Someone like you who only looks toward academic achievement wouldn’t have time for such unseemly matters.”
Alice felt relieved when the other professor expressed relief.
Until Nathan’s voice continued.
“I do feel somewhat sorry for Alice. I’m not unaware of the emotions in her eyes when she looks at me.”
“True, those eyes that usually glare at the world sparkle like a lamb’s whenever she sees you. So it was love after all.”
“That’s not all. Having lost her family, she must want to find stability by forming a family with someone quickly. All I can do as an adult is pretend not to notice her feelings, which makes me a bit bitter.”
“You must have a lot on your mind.”
The sound of clinking glasses was heard.
“You’re truly a good mentor and a good adult.”
“Thank you.”
Nathan’s voice was clear and firm.
Like stating that 1+1 equals 2.
‘No.’
Nathan. I like you. But this is emotion dedicated to your intellect, character, and consideration. I only want to follow your trajectory, not interweave our lives. I’ve never imagined kissing the one man who makes me feel safe among all men in the world.
And now, damn it, I just imagined it. Unwanted, uninvited, and disgusting, like someone kicking me in the gut.
By the time she managed to organize those thoughts bouncing like rubber balls in her head into the sentence “This is Professor Nathan’s misunderstanding,” Alice realized she had already returned to the lab.
The place where she spent the most time at Canary University. A place physically uncomfortable but mentally at ease.
Another research student looked up and asked:
“Alice. Didn’t you have something to ask Professor Nathan? Why are you back so soon?”
“…He was talking with the Dean.”
“Really? You’re so tactless.”
“What?”
“If you’d waited in the hallway a bit, you could have walked back alone with the professor.”
Excuse me? What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Her lips quivered several times. That’s when Professor Nathan returned to the lab, holding a handful of candy.
“The Dean gave these. Everyone have some.”
Candies were placed on each research student’s desk. And on Alice’s hand, along with candy, an extra chocolate was placed.
Someone threw out a joke.
“That’s discrimination!”
Nathan chuckled and replied.
“Alice is the youngest. I’m just looking after her like a niece.”
She saw that research student give a bitter smile.
Though Alice was poor at understanding human relationships, she could tell what bitter thoughts were flowing through his mind.
If the research student thought that way, if the department head declared it, and if Nathan didn’t even question it – this misunderstanding must have spread widely like a tumor long ago.
And Alice still doesn’t know how to remove this tumor.
Perhaps, never will.
…Years later, realizing this misunderstanding had spread its roots even to Reki, Alice spoke as if she didn’t even have the energy to sigh anymore:
“As you’ve seen these past few weeks, Professor Nathan honestly doesn’t have a personality that attracts people’s affection. Instead, he’s good at utilizing resources around him for social advancement.”
Fiore immediately understood what those resources meant.
“Resources, meaning… people?”
“Yes. When he wanted to attend events that were difficult for a young, low-ranking professor to access, he used me as an excuse. Said he wanted to ‘give a struggling student valuable experiences.’ The organizers, of course, were eager to put a ‘female medical student’ on display.”
“…”
“He even took me to professor gatherings. He wasn’t exactly popular with women, so instead of standing around awkwardly all night, he probably figured it was better to at least look like a mentor taking care of his student.”
The gatherings were decent enough. She enjoyed the table’s food freely. When Nathan wanted to use his student as a conversation topic, she just had to notice quickly and run over.
“For years, the professor was praised as an excellent person who helped his poor student like a daughter. That was all true. Except for the problem that he firmly believed I was in love with him and enjoyed spreading that illusion.”
“…”
Fiore’s lips opened and closed. Alice imagined what question he wanted to ask but ultimately swallowed.
“Of course I wanted to clear up the misunderstanding. But I couldn’t correct it.”
Judging by Fiore’s fleeting look of regret, she must’ve given the right answer.
Alice continued matter-of-factly:
“How could I correct it? If I said ‘the one-sided love is the professor’s misunderstanding,’ he would become the university’s laughingstock until his death. I didn’t want to humiliate him as one human being to another…”
The second reason needed no explanation.
A school she entered thanks to Nathan’s endorsement. If she crossed Nathan even slightly… She couldn’t even imagine what she might lose.
“Since it wasn’t immediately harming me, I endured it thinking it was fine as long as the professor didn’t mind. By the time I was graduating, his position at the university had become even more secure. Secure enough to have marriage talks with a school donor’s daughter.”
That marriage prospect was none other than Count Serda’s daughter, Marie.
Though the era of nobles living like kings in their domains had ended, for a young professor of modest background and means, marriage talks with a Count’s family who still held the purse strings was like winning the lottery.
At the time, Nathan was receiving excellent reviews for his paper on intravenous injections.
At a donor’s meeting, the Chancellor praised Nathan endlessly, wanting to make him a tenured professor, and the Count, taking notice, invited Nathan to the Count’s tea party.
Of course, Nathan wasn’t tactless enough to bring Alice to that tea party.
While Alice struggled with her delayed graduation thesis – postponed while helping Nathan’s research – the marriage talks became increasingly concrete.
Finally, when Alice, having met graduation requirements, went to Nathan’s lab to say goodbye after a long time.
Nathan, after insisting the lab door must stay open, said briefly.
“Congratulations on graduating. I’ll have to ask you to leave now, as talking longer might cause misunderstandings among others.”
