Chapter 10
It was something she had wrestled with countless times.
Her mind told her to let go, her heart whispered that it was time to move on. But every night, memories of happier days would push their way back into her thoughts, uninvited.
Staring into her now-empty teacup, Aileen answered calmly.
“Now that I’ve pledged myself to serve as Your Majesty’s knight, I’m sure things will work themselves out somehow.”
He always acted like he cared about her in person—but she knew that, when it came to Carlisle, Edys would likely stay neutral, detached.
There was no guarantee she wouldn’t run into Carlisle now and then. After all, both of them would be serving under the emperor’s command.
At her pointed remark, Edys let out a soft laugh.
“I value talent. That’s why I value you both.”
“……”
“That’s the burden of being emperor, isn’t it? You understand. Sir Carlisle remains Captain of the Sel Knights, and you’ll be part of the Khan Knights. Let’s be content with that.”
Just as she had expected.
Even if they belonged to different orders, they were still knights of the imperial crown. It was only a matter of time before they crossed paths.
Aileen wasn’t unaware of that. But still, this was the only path left to her.
Even if running into Carlisle might choke her with leftover embers of longing, even if it reopened wounds she’d tried to close—this was the only road where she could remain herself.
The emperor chuckled again, soft and easy, like the breeze brushing past them.
Aileen swallowed a bitter smile, suddenly reminded of the old days—when they played together under the great cassia tree back at the academy.
The meeting with the emperor ended in success. Edys had spoken indifferently toward the end, but when the time came, Aileen knew—he would choose her without hesitation.
Still, with politics and public safety at stake, it wasn’t as though he could simply discard Carlisle either.
She was mulling over such pointless thoughts as she walked down the path she’d purposely chosen to avoid the crowds.
Rustle.
Despite her efforts to avoid being seen, someone else was nearby.
Aileen instinctively quieted her steps and moved toward the sound. And then—
“Ah…”
A tall figure, a full head above most men. Broad shoulders. Iron-strong arms.
That back—she knew it too well.
Her body moved without thinking. The habit of seeking comfort in his arms over the past five years was terrifying.
Just before her foot took the next step, she pulled herself back. Her eyes, faintly trembling, remained fixed on his silhouette.
His shoulders, though slightly thinner, still stood firm beneath the black uniform. His upright, composed stride hadn’t changed. His steady pace remained the same.
The only thing that had faded… was his heart.
Her thoughts swirled like a ship caught in a storm.
She hated him. She wanted to scream all the bitter words she’d never said. And yet—she also wanted to ask if he was okay. If he was really fine.
“…What am I even doing right now.”
Aileen scolded herself for chasing after his shadow like someone lost in a trance, and turned to leave.
But just before she could even pivot halfway, her gaze passed the edge of a cassia tree—and landed squarely on Carlisle.
“Huh?”
He’d been walking without pause… but suddenly, his upper body swayed.
Once.
Then again.
It wasn’t far enough to mistake. She could see him clearly, from head to toe.
“…What the…”
Was he dizzy? Had something gone wrong?
But the Carlisle she knew had never been sick—unless he was seriously wounded, he never showed weakness.
Not even once had she seen him falter.
Aileen stood rooted in place. Her head told her to look away, but her feet refused to move.
If he collapsed right there… they were alone. Just the two of them.
Whether it was worry or just instinct—Aileen wasn’t sure. But she was already watching him closely.
Just until the count of five, she thought. I’ll count to five. If nothing happens, I’ll walk away.
One, two, three, four, five—
As she silently counted with her lips, Carlisle’s stride suddenly regained its balance, as if nothing had happened.
And just as she let out a breath of relief—thinking he was fine—her body moved before her mind could catch up.
In a blink, Carlisle’s body staggered violently again, about to crash to the ground.
In that dangerously brief moment, Aileen was already behind him.
Her hand almost reached him—almost—but just before she made contact, Carlisle caught himself with unnatural precision.
Then he turned, sensing someone behind him, and murmured her name with a breathless, almost dazed expression.
“…Aileen?”
His eyes blinked slowly. And just like that, a surge of emotion welled up from deep within her chest.
Aileen spoke, her voice sharp with concern and unspoken pain.
“What the hell is this?”
“……”
“Why were you stumbling?”
Her mouth, out of her control, kept spilling words she’d been holding back.
Before she knew it, Carlisle’s gaze had sharpened, the focus returning to his eyes. He didn’t answer. Instead, he stared at her silently with an unreadable expression.
Suddenly, Aileen felt embarrassed. He was calm—serene, even. Why was she the only one overwhelmed with emotion, unable to control herself?
Flustered, Aileen instinctively reached out and grabbed his arm.
“I’ll help you.”
She was just about to support his weight and take a step when—
Carlisle, who had seemed fine with her touch, suddenly jerked in alarm. As if her hand had burned him, he yanked his arm away from her grasp.
“…Ah.”
Aileen looked down at her now-empty hand, stunned. She slowly pulled it back, awkward and mechanical, like a broken puppet.
She didn’t even know why she’d done it.
What were they now, anyway? They weren’t anything anymore. If anything, she should’ve been the one storming toward him to grab him by the collar and demand answers.
But what had she just done?
She could even understand why Carlisle had reacted like that. Still—wasn’t it a bit much to shake off someone who was simply trying to help?
Her face flushed red. The heat burned her cheeks with the sting of humiliation.
Meanwhile, the brief flicker that had crossed Carlisle’s face had already disappeared, replaced by cold detachment. He spoke flatly.
“I’m fine. I don’t need help. Especially not like that.”
“……”
“I’ll be going now.”
For the past eight years, she’d always been the one who loved more. She knew it. That’s how things had come to this point.
Still, he had never treated her like this before. At the very least, wasn’t he the one in the wrong?
Aileen, driven by instinct more than thought, called out to stop him.
“Wait.”
Carlisle froze mid-step.
His eyes—like a sea at midnight, dark and impossible to read—locked with hers. Aileen met his gaze head-on.
A few quiet breaths passed between them before she asked, her voice sinking like a ship taking on water:
“Do you really have nothing to say to me?”
“……”
“Other than telling me to expect the annulment documents… is there nothing else?”
“……”
“There’s no Judith here. No one to run off and spread rumors. Just me and you. So if there’s something you still want to say—now’s the time. I’ll listen.”
For a moment, just the tiniest sliver of hope stirred within her. If he was being threatened by Judith, if there were some unavoidable reasons for the way he’d treated her—if it was something like that, then she could forgive it.
If even a part of his heart hadn’t fully closed yet…
So please, she begged silently—say something. The words tangled in her throat, too afraid to come out.
She gave him time. Enough time to think it through and respond.
And since he hadn’t simply walked away, she thought—maybe, just maybe—he would speak.
But what came after all that waiting was only silence.
“…So it’s true. All of it. This is really happening.”
A bitter, self-deprecating laugh escaped her lips before she could swallow it back.
“I really hoped it wasn’t. But in the end, I was the only one holding onto something that was never there.”
Her vision blurred.
Aileen lifted her gaze to the sky, then lowered it again, trying desperately to collect herself—but the cruel weight of reality wouldn’t allow it.
“I… I thought you were lying. I thought, if I just waited, you’d send a letter—something, anything. So I kept waiting…”
“……”
“I was an idiot. And look at me now. I’m still here, saying everything while you stand there like a stone.”
Her eyes, red and wet like crushed rose petals, turned toward him.
She was laying everything bare—every word, every wound, every feeling she had buried and stacked neatly within herself. And Carlisle…
Only her voice echoed through the empty courtyard.
It was devastating. But still, her lips moved, pouring out the shards of what she had once believed was love. Even if none of it would ever come back.
“Of all people—it had to be Judith. Every night, I lay awake wondering when I’d finally stop feeling like I was suffocating under her shadow. I thought I’d started to move on. And then you…”
She couldn’t finish the sentence. Her throat tightened, and she lowered her head, bringing a hand to her brow as her vision blurred with tears.
Outside her line of sight, Carlisle’s expression shifted ever so slightly. Just a flicker. By the time Aileen looked back up, the emotion was gone—vanished.
“So, you don’t even want to talk to me anymore. Fine. But it won’t be that easy. We’re bound to run into each other from now on.”
Aileen smiled, bitter and biting—an expression she had never once shown Carlisle before.
“The fact that even seeing me might be a burden to you… it almost makes me happy.”
Almost. But not quite. Not even close.
She turned her head slightly and walked past him.
The lavender scent that had always clung to him—so vivid in her memory—was gone.
