Chapter 18
“Guilt…?”
Diana was the first to break the suffocating silence.
Her voice, laced with confusion, urged him to define his meaning.
Ersivan, who had been absentmindedly toying with her hair, finally spoke after a pause.
“There are certain memories.”
“…”
“Ones that you regret, that you wish you could undo… that make your chest burn just thinking about them.”
His head dipped slightly, as if trying to hide his expression.
But even if his face was concealed, he couldn’t quite suppress the bitterness that seeped into his voice.
Pain, when deeply rooted, was persistent.
Years could pass, and yet, it would cling to its host like an affliction.
The weight of old wounds—buried deep—would surface at the slightest opportunity, mercilessly haunting him.
‘It’s not about a lover, that’s for certain.’
Ersivan’s first and last love had been Lillian.
So who, or what, could stir such profound emotions within him?
Diana sifted through her knowledge of his past relationships, piecing together the fragments of his history.
Then, a single name surfaced in her mind.
‘The former empress.’
Ersivan’s mother—the deposed and exiled empress.
Falsely accused through the schemes of the current empress, she had been stripped of her position and cast aside.
To be forced into exile, leaving behind the son she had adored…
What agony must she have endured?
And how unbearable must it have been for Ersivan—now grown—to learn the truth far too late?
“Ah… Mother…”
In the novel, when he had finally discovered the full extent of the betrayal, he had been unable to find the words.
For someone who had always prided himself on strength, who had trained himself to be immune to pain—
In that moment, he didn’t even know what expression to wear.
And then, the warmth trailing down his cheek had made it real.
Hot tears—like fire in his veins.
That was when he had fully grasped the weight of reality.
His mother was gone.
It had been one of the most devastating moments in the story.
Even when Ersivan had been nothing more than a distant character to her, Diana had found herself feeling sympathy for him.
But now that she stood before him, face-to-face with his suffering—
Any thoughts of comforting him were overshadowed by something else.
Survival.
‘This is an opportunity.’
Some would call it selfish.
Diana hated her own selfishness, too.
But if she abandoned it, she would lose her only means of survival.
Self-interest wasn’t a flaw—it was a weapon.
Reaching out, she gently cupped his face, fingertips trailing down his jaw and neck.
Slowly, Ersivan lifted his head.
“You can change it.”
The words flowed effortlessly from her lips.
She knew what to say to sway people—to feed them the right words at the right time.
“And not just regret it. If you truly wish to, you can undo what haunts you.”
Even if her words were largely empty, there was a sliver of sincerity within them.
Because she knew the future.
She knew exactly how to ease his guilt.
The former empress would die when Ersivan and Lillian were deeply entangled in their love.
Caught between his growing affection and his responsibilities, Ersivan had stayed away for too long, not wanting to draw suspicion.
Then, out of nowhere, the devastating news had come.
Diana had a rough idea of when it would happen.
If she acted preemptively—visited the empress in secret, identified her illness, sought treatment—
Then perhaps, she could change the outcome.
Ersivan studied her, his crimson eyes unreadable.
‘She dares to say this.’
‘Wearing the same face, yet speaking such hollow words.’
His jaw clenched, sharp teeth pressing into his lower lip.
Had he bitten any harder, he might have drawn blood.
“…Is that so?”
“Yes. You still have a chance.”
She was shameless to the very end.
Clueless, in a way that almost proved her ignorance.
A flicker of heat rose from the pit of his stomach—anger, or something like it—
But he restrained himself.
Instead, Ersivan leaned into her touch, rubbing his cheek against her palm.
“You speak as if you know exactly who my guilt is for.”
“Not necessarily. I was speaking in general terms.”
Feigning ease, Diana continued,
“In my experience, what seems too late is rarely so. More often than not, the timing is just right.”
“Then…”
His voice faltered.
His pupils shrank slightly, lips parting ever so slightly.
She watched, waiting for him to finish his thought.
Finally, he whispered,
“Then… would it be alright for me to go to her now?”
His hands trembled slightly—just enough for him to notice.
His own heartbeat pounded in his ears, drowning out the world around him.
“Could I go and atone for the past?”
Diana could feel the tension radiating from him, the quiet desperation laced within his words.
His carefully maintained composure wavered ever so slightly.
“…Could I tell her that I’ve missed her?”
“Yes. I’m sure she’s waiting for you, too.”
She exhaled softly.
Watching him crumble, seeing the hesitation in his gaze—
It was a dangerous feeling.
One that made her momentarily forget the fine line she walked.
“She must have thought of you often, Evan.”
Locking eyes with him, she let the words roll off her tongue, slow and deliberate.
“She must have looked at the sky and wondered if you were thinking of her too.”
His eyes fluttered shut.
A fleeting moment of vulnerability.
His long, dark lashes cast faint shadows over his cheekbones.
To any outsider, he would have looked peaceful.
But Diana knew better.
To Ersivan, her words did not bring comfort.
No—they struck something far deeper.
“Thank you, Lily.”
Ah.
A silent groan echoed within her.
The thirst that had yet to be quenched still lingered in the depths of her chest.
He wanted to scream.
Had he been the boy he once was—someone who knew nothing of responsibility—he would have.
“Thanks to you, I won’t have to suffer for a while.”
“I only did what was natural. I just hope you can find some peace, Your Highness.”
She responded with a gentle smile.
“…I’m feeling rather tired now. Let’s end our little conversation here. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Declaring her intent to retire for the night, Diana swiftly excused herself.
Ersivan wasted no time in sending her off.
Feigning drowsiness, Diana rubbed her eyes before turning away and pretending to fall asleep.
‘An opportunity.’
His violet gaze cut through the dimly lit darkness.
His sharp features, cast in the faint glow of the night, carried a different air than usual.
“Thank you, Lily. Thanks to you, I won’t have to suffer for a while.”
He had spoken as if he had been granted a blessing—as if she had saved him.
But Diana knew better.
‘An opportunity? Nonsense.’
She could read his expression all too well.
“I love you, my dear Lily. Just as much, if not more than anything else.”
She had seen that expression before.
It was the same one the count always wore when he professed his love for her.
That false, affectionate face—carefully painted over the disgust he failed to hide.
And Ersivan?
He, too, was concealing the very same emotions beneath a polished mask.
‘No, it was he who saw an opportunity in this.’
To deceive her.
To manipulate her.
He had whispered his gentle words not out of sincerity, but to draw her in.
Diana had momentarily forgotten what kind of man she was dealing with.
Ersivan was unreadable.
Nothing he did—nothing he said—could be taken at face value.
She had let herself be toyed with, once again.
***
Several more days passed.
By now, it had been over two weeks since Diana had settled into the estate.
She spent her days fully immersed in lessons.
Of course, the classes themselves were enjoyable, but the real reason for her diligence lay elsewhere.
It allowed her to stay close to Ersivan.
He was not someone she could simply control through a contract.
Once he had everything he wanted, there was no guarantee he wouldn’t dispose of her—silencing her forever.
So before that could happen, Diana needed to secure her place.
Perhaps he was not the type to spare someone out of mere sentiment—
But she could at least try.
Still, staying by his side was a double-edged sword.
The closer she was to him, the easier it became for her secret to be exposed.
“Such a lovely scent.”
Today was a prime example of that danger.
Before and after their lessons, they often spent time together.
Initially, Ersivan had given her detailed tours of the estate, but as time passed, there was little left to introduce.
So today, their activity was… different.
Rather than exploring, they were simply enjoying a leisurely afternoon.
At none other than the estate’s grand lily garden.
After days of rigorous training, Diana was still sore.
And now, as if fate had decided to torment her further, she was trapped in a place filled with a scent she despised.
Surrounded on all sides by lilies.
Holding a bouquet of lilies.
And as if all that wasn’t enough, Ersivan, ever the picture of excessive affection, had personally handed her the bouquet himself.
Had it been Lillian sitting in her place, she would have been ecstatic.
“I think I finally understand why you like lilies so much. They’re pure, elegant… just like you, Lily.”
Smiling demurely, Diana realized it was her turn to respond.
“Do you like lilies too, Evan?”
“Hmm. I don’t form attachments to living things so easily. If I had to choose… I suppose I prefer lavender.”
He hadn’t even spared her the courtesy of pretending to like them.
His tone made it abundantly clear—he found them utterly unbearable.
So then, why were they here?
Why had he gone out of his way to bring her here—
If neither of them even liked lilies?
“Your Highness, I think lavender suits you as well. It’s refined and graceful—just like you.”
“Is that so?”
“Yes. It seems like the perfect flower for you.”
Ersivan responded with a smile.
Diana had learned something in the past few days.
His smiles… they all carried different meanings.
This particular smile—one that was smooth and seemingly effortless—
It meant, I don’t like what you just said, but I won’t say anything about it.
In other words… she had displeased him.
“Why?”
“It was just a compliment.”
For some reason, the praise had irritated him.
Diana quickly abandoned the other compliments she had prepared.
It would only make things worse.
“Ah, whatever.”
Ersivan Valencia was truly… impossible to understand.
